Couples Retreat

Neither Vince Vaughan nor Jon Favreau knows a thing about women. That’s the general gist of the movie I just saw last night, Couples Retreat (directed by Peter Billingsley – Ralphie from ‘A Christmas Story’ – written by Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau).

Now I should say I went to see this movie prepared to like it despite the dismal reviews. I'm a rom-com fan from way back. Some of my favourite movies have been generally villified by critics. Everyone is panning this flick, but I figured it was just sheer snobbery. Movie critics never like comedies and they NEVER like Vince Vaughan. But I don’t mind him. He’s generally affable in a strange, manic sort of way. Most women like him, I think, because he gives off this sort of uncatchable air that makes him a challenge.

But that same sort of bachelor-for-life thing had me wondering if I’d buy him as a happily married man. I bought Jon Favreau as an ex-football player who cheats on his wife. I bought Jason Bateman – probably my favourite character in the movie – as a husband who is trying to work out his marriage.

The premise of the movie – three couples go along for the ride to a couples retreat to provide moral support for their friends who are contemplating divorce (Jason Bateman, Kristin Bell) – is simple enough. They all think they’re going to have a blast and find they have to participate in ‘Couples Skill Building’ programs. Everything falls apart, couples start fighting, blah, blah, blah.
So here are my main problems with the film (other than the fact that it isn’t funny and makes no sense, of course). First of all, the couples are all supposed to be approximately the same age. Been married for years, worn down by life etc. With the notable exception of Kristin Davis – who looks awesome, by the way – the wives are all at least ten years younger than their husbands. They are all in considerably better shape – like King of Queens, Doug and Carrie better shape – and look perfect all the time.

But worst of all, they don’t talk like women. They talk like women written by two old bachelors who’ve never been in a long relationship think they might talk. They say ‘baby’ a lot. Malin Ackerman, the young model who plays Vince Vaughan’s wife, has to be one of the worst actresses I’ve ever seen.

And Vince – playing a loving husband and dad – well, I just don’t buy it. At all. I haven’t been this mad at Vince since Fred Claus. C’mon, Vince...you can do better.